Moments of Inspiration and Motivation…

Motivation.

Inspiration.

Ambition.

Whatever you call it…it usually hits after my morning cup of coffee. Ok. I say “coffee” but it’s more cream and Skinny Syrup than actual coffee. Either way. It does the trick.

So. Here’s my current routine. Summer routine.

Wake up (well, hopefully). Check phone for any riveting news from Facebook, new orders from my side-hustles, emails…you know. I can’t be the only one who does this?

Take the 3 insistent four-legged children out to the hayfield so they can sniff every blade of grass that all the nocturnal critters passed over the night before.

Take said four-legged children back inside then head to the back to take care of the 2 legged darlings.

Release the clucks. Feed. Water. Wait for Lacy the escapee to “secretly” fly into the big pen…she honestly thinks I’m oblivious to her ways. Every. Single. Morning.

Check the gardens. Check the berries. Cuss squirrels that dig up my potatoes…why? I mean, seriously?

Return to the house for my reward: 10 oz of “coffee”.

Exciting. I know. Wait. It gets better. The metamorphosis begins.

About halfway through, I start to have those moments of inspiration…future planning.

“You know, even though I work a full-time teaching position 9 months out of the year (and if you are an educator you know how “9 months” is complete fiction) and have 2 side-hustle businesses that require my “spare-time” (more fiction), I could totally get those feeder calves again and handle it all by myself! Feed them out and sell in the fall right before winter hits. I mean, who needs to sleep? I don’t anyway so I might as well be utilizing that time in a productive way! Right? Right! Or! Even better…I could get some goats and use them to clean out the fence rows! They love poison ivy and I wouldn’t have to wear that Tyvek suit (picture it. Yep. Not pretty.) to pull it all out every time! I can totally do this! While I’m thinking about it, I really ought to add some apple and peach trees this fall! I mean, fresh apples and peaches that I don’t have to buy would be great! I’d really like to build that bigger barn but I really need to win the lottery first…maybe I should actually buy a ticket? Oh!!! I really need a greenhouse too! I could do SOOO much with one! I mean, think of all the possibilities! But! I’m totally going to grow cover crops in my gardens this fall and winter just like I saw on that Youtube video last week (yes. I have fallen into the youtube wormhole, but In my defense, I’ve learned a lot.)!” And on, and on, and on…for a few consecutive days my positivity and confidence is on point!

Then. Either the caffeine calms down or something slaps me with a bit of a reality check. This is when it all comes crashing down.

“Are you out of your flipping (not exactly what I say but let’s keep it school appropriate for now) mind!!!??? Where do you plan to get the money to buy feeder calves? You’ve talked to people. You know how high even bottle babies are!! Then, how are you going to afford the extra feed bill? I mean, come on! You know how high chicken feed is right now…let alone add sweet feed?! OMG!!! Space!? Have you ever thought about that? It’s not like you’ve got the 500 acres anymore…come on, you know better than that! And goats…must we be reminded of your goat experience growing up? Yeah. Not a good idea. A bigger barn…right! How in the hell (um…ok, not school appropriate anymore) do you think you will EVER be able to build that? And a greenhouse? You looked up the price. Put it out of your head. Just don’t go there. Not to mention, “Do it by yourself”? That won’t work. You have to work. You can’t take care of more than you already do during the school year. Come on. Think about it. Winter chores suck. You know it. Why add more? He’s not there to help you. It is what it is. Accept it. Ok…you can get the fruit trees.”

And there it is. All couples make future plans. It’s normal to think about months or years into the future. It’s fun. It’s exciting to envision. But, when that future is cut short. Well, so are the plans. What do we do?

Ever since my husband passed, I have thought of all the plans we had. In March of that year, he had discovered a new love for woodworking. He was so excited! He researched (youtube videos…now you know where I got it), drew up plans, and bought all kinds of different tools…I’m still not sure what a lot of those things are in the garage (there are still amazon packages on his work bench…unopened. It breaks my heart.). So, we had decided he needed a workshop. He knew the exact dimensions, layout…all the things. I had wanted pygmy goats for several years…yes, there is a childhood story but I’ll save that for another day. He was totally against it every time I mentioned the thought. Until right before he “left”…he finally gave me the go-ahead. Not only to get the goats but to also build a bigger barn to house them. Raising cattle was our “thing”. You know, some things just define you. Cattle defined us and I don’t think we totally realized that until we had gotten out of the business. So, we planned to just raise feeder calves. Simple. Less stress than calving mommas. “Shuck em”, as my husband would say, before winter. Easy! The fruit trees were always my thing…

Simple. Even though he had left, I eventually wanted to fulfill those plans. Those dreams we had created together. I wanted to do it for him. I still want to do it for him…and me.

My mind plays tricks on me daily. Yes! You can do it! No, dumbass, sit down and be realistic…stop drinking the coffee!

But, I think making future plans is a step in the right direction, right? When my world crashed 22 months ago, the last thing I could even fathom was “my future”. So, this has got to be progress!

I’m still going to keep fighting with my moments of inspiration for a while longer I’m sure…but, everything happens for a reason. I’m really a firm believer in that…even though I still can’t wrap my mind around why my farmer had to leave. Maybe one day. Until then, I’ll still drink my coffee. Make plans. Hope that God leads me where I am supposed to go…and if that means baby goats, then baby goats it is! Yeah…but those fruit trees…

Have a Safe and Happy 4th everyone!! Enjoy your loved ones and yourself because tomorrow is absolutely not promised. Take care. See you all soon!